My friends Troy and Josh and I ground up our morning glory seeds into a fine powder in a coffee grinder. Dillon was there but not to trip. Troy and Josh each took 500, but since I had done that along with 10 hawaiian baby woodrose seeds before, I upped my dose to around 700. I had 1000 left after they counted out theirs so I just split the pile in half and eyeballed some more seeds into one pile to use. We put our powder in coffee filters and tied them up to soak in water for an hour or two. We drank our first cup and over the course of the next hour or so re-soaked our bags for another 2 or 3 servings. Later we decided to eat as much of the nasty dogshit tasting seed mush as we could. I downed maybe half of mine before I had enough. All the while smoking bits of weed not just for any possible nausea but to increase the effects as well.
We laid down on the bed in Dillon’s shed outside and stared at this trippy spinning rainbow disco light thing and that’s when we all started noticing perceptual changes. I noticed odd faces and shapes in the wood grain on the ceiling.
We decided to go inside into Dillon’s room and do pretty much the same thing, but this time with music and the comfort of the indoors. The constantly moving colorful projection on the ceiling I was looking directly at from the couch swirled and blurred over itself like paint blending together, and I felt the sensation of the entire room and my body spinning with it. We were there a good few hours.
Troy and I decided to go out to the living room and watch TV and Josh decided to crash out. Troy and I started to finish watching Forgetting Sarah Marshall. On the couch were Dillon’s pomeranians and I spent a good while petting them, amazed to bits by the sheer awesomeness of life. I texted my girlfriend and that’s when things started building up in a wave I’ve never felt before. I was coming up even more.
There was like an hour left of the movie when I say to Troy dude let’s just crash now, fuck this. So Troy went off to sleep in another room and I thought I was gonna pass out. But it was getting light out and as I stared at various parts of the room I knew I wouldn’t be sleeping any time soon. A shifting rainbow film of something that looked quite a bit like my clusterfuck doodles overlaid the walls as they breathed in and out and sharp florescent blocks of the brightest colors I’ve ever seen sat by where the light entered the room through a narrow opening through the window that wasn’t covered by blinds. I was sold, fuck sleeping.
I went outside, smoked a bowl and crawled into the hammock in Dillon’s back yard. That’s when another wave brought me up even higher. On the walk through his backyard to the hammock I stepped eagerly awaiting the relaxation waiting for me, but I stepped right on a thorn and it stabbed into my toe. It hurt of course, but I thought about it and came to the conclusion that the definition of life is a series of good with intervals of bad.
Staring at the front end of the hammock where my feet rested I started to meditate. The form of the hammock, the crossing tied knot fashion of the construction of the entire thing became my focal point. Upon focusing more I felt as if I became the hammock, I looked at it and physically felt my body adhere to its form, I swayed left and right with it.
It was during these two or so hours that I was at the complete peak, and this was about six hours after drinking the first cup. The timing of drinking/eating the leftovers was timed and paced immaculately. I stared blankly where my eyes looked straight and it was a view of the front part of the hammock, the tree in front of me and the blue backdrop sky. As I focused on the very center of my vision it became more bright and vivid and crystal clear than anything I’ve ever seen in my life. The sheer detail and vibrancy of it all was astounding, it was a window of detail surrounded by the rest of somewhat normal vision.
I ran through epiphany after epiphany through my head, looking at and hearing all around me the animals and bugs nearby. I realized a connection between man and animal I had always known before but never truly realized in any real sense. Man sees the world with bias. He has a mind that allows him to judge and act according to it. And while this is our greatest gift as human beings it’s also our greatest weakness. Animals take the world for what it is and do nothing more but make use of it as their home. It doesn’t matter what’s around them, they’re where they need to be. They use their time here just like we do, but in almost completely opposite ways. In a way I felt like I knew why animals exist to begin with.
I thought of communication and how vital it is to life. We have many forms language, something concrete and physical that we use to express the intangible and formless ideas that our mind gives us. It’s a perfect blend and balance, the physical and the mental, communication is vital. Communication is beautiful. I thought about writing all my thoughts down, but as important as communication is, the here and now of the moment made me realize that anything worth writing about best exists as that experience itself and not the words used to describe it, so I took full advantage of the experience and reasoned to write later. I had plenty of time to scribble my thoughts down later.
I realized that my favorite word of all time is “now.” Because I was there. Everything that ever was and will be was or will be at one point a single speck of Now. I finished my cigarette and wanted another one but I had left my pack inside. Any time of my life I would have gotten up and grabbed it, but this time I embraced the Now for what it truly was and didn’t move a muscle.
In the hammock I meditated more and embraced the Now. Now was perfect in every way. It was then that a stunning realization dawned on me: I knew the meaning of life. The meaning of life isn’t something you know, it’s something you feel. I seriously spent at least an hour total during the rest of my trip repeating in my head “I know the meaning of life,” and every time I did this, time would slow down into this perfect moment where my ego was temporarily dead and all outside influences of my life and anything I ever did became entirely void of all meaning because I had that truly beautiful moment of Now to exist in. All my life I thought that people who said they have no regrets were completely full of shit. But it was lying in that hammock in the Now of our life that I realized I have no regrets, only what-ifs. Never in my life had I been happier. I realized that whether or not there is a god is nothing to ponder seriously, because the closest thing to a higher power we will ever encounter in this lifetime is the universe itself. And we’re part of that, part of God, part of the infinite, tightly packed clusterfuck of rules and laws that govern themselves into something as ineffably as beautiful as life, bound by particles that form atoms that form everything else, the entire whole consisting of never-ending parts comprised of everything smaller that constructed them. For a few fleeting seconds, there was no longer me. Only the universe. Any fear of death I have ever had was wiped entirely clean from me.
It was starting to get bright and hot out then so I went back inside to lie on the couch. I stared at one of the dogs on the floor in between the other couch and the table and its body and the area around it swirled together like a painting and the ground/table/dog became almost unrecognizable, some kind of swirly sharp eye looking thing that very much resembled Tool’s “Lateralus” eye design. It was like nine in the morning and I was just now starting to come down.
It was then that everyone else started waking up. I spent the entire time lying on the couch tripping until the moment everyone was ready to leave. Troy and I were dropped off at his house by Dillon on his way to work where we smoked a bowl and enjoyed the afterglow of the trip.
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